Fatosity

What a difference a week makes.

The sun is shining again.  The birds are singing.  Life is worth living again. 

I can feel hope again.

The spinning wheel has gone round again.  Full circle.

Part of my reason for writing about my ups and downs is because I want to be able to remind myself that it will go around again, just like this old Blood, Sweat & Tears song that most of you probably don’t remember. 

I was in Kindergarten when that song was a big hit (I’m old) and remember performing a cute little dance to it in a school show.  I loved it!  I always pictured a Ferris Wheel, but on 2nd thought think it must have been about a Merry-Go-Round (duh). 

What’s it telling us?  To just ride with it until it stops?  Things will get bad but then they’ll get better again.  Just go with it.  Life’s sometimes a struggle, sometimes a joy.  I always thought it was sort of a “don’t worry, be happy” message.  On the other hand, it has a more serious, almost fatalistic, undertone to it.  Maybe it’s the trumpets, I don’t know.   What do you think?  Am I reading too much into an ancient song?  (I can’t buy the part about “talkin’ ’bout your troubles is a cryin’ sin” since that’s what my blogging is all about!)  It’s probably just about drugs since it’s from the ’60′s (or maybe a salvation message?).  

Some would say that I’m a roller coaster of emotions, but it’s definitely more of a spinning wheel going around full circle.  On a coaster you’re still moving somewhere ahead.  On my  wheel, I’m going around and around in the same place. 

I realize this could be construed as bleak and depressing.  But really, it isn’t.  I think the lesson I am finally learning is to accept that I will go down and up (or round and round).  To remember that when I’m down, I’m going to go back up is actually very encouraging.  That means hope to someone who’s gone back into the darkness and can’t see ahead of them.  There’s a comfort in feeling like it is somewhat predictable or, at least, predictable that it will get better soon.  That maybe, sometimes, we just need to hang on and wait til it goes around again.  Does that make any sense? 

I have never been very self-aware so it takes me a long time to learn these kind of lessons.    Last week, Colleen Arnold wrote an article about emotional eating at the Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans.  She wrote:

 People who overeat (or have other addictions) often have trouble identifying their emotions precisely. In fact, not being able to articulate emotions is called alexythymia and it’s been shown to be related to binge eating in bulimics.

I never heard of that before and I had no idea there was a name for what I’ve known about myself for a long time (that I’m terrible at knowing how I feel).  This is very interesting and I plan to do more reading about it.  (She recommends rating how you feel but I’ll try and write more about that later.)

But blogging is helping me be more aware.  Maybe not at the moment of my emotional fluctuations, but soon after.  And I’m creating a record that will help going into the future.  When I feel bleak, I can only see darkness.  If I have a self-created record of how I always come back out of it, I will be able to come out of it quicker.  My depressions haven’t been as deep and I hope that documenting my craziness will help me and anyone else who comes across it while feeling hopeless. 

In the meantime, I’ll just keep holding onto that pony while the wheel keeps on spinning.